"I'm not here to talk about the past."

I used the wrong form of HERE in the previous title. (a) I can't believe this happened, and (b) I can't believe no one made fun of me for it.

This reminds me of the Muppet Show Record that I had as a kid. Kermit is assisting Fonzie with a joke. It's Kermit's job to say, "Good grief, the comedian's a bear!" whenever Fonzie cues him with the word, "hear."

Fonzie: Good evening, ladies and gents. It's a pleasure to be here!
Kermit: Good grief, the comedian's a bear!
Fonzie: No, no.
Kermit: But I was only following your instructions.

[More stuff like this]

Kermit: But how will I know?
Fonzie: You will know when you HEAR!
Kermit: Good grief, the comedian's a bear!

The joke continues. Fonzie and Kermit finally agree that Kermit will say his big line when Fonzie points to him. Keep in mind that this is a record I'm listening to. The big moment arrives:

Kermit: [Sighs.] Good grief, the comedian's a bear.
Fonzie: No, he's-a not! He's-a wearin'-a neck-a tie!

Prehaps this explains my love of Chris Berman's nickname's well past their purchase date. And now, we return to our original post:
Bob Ryan votes "No" on sending McGwire to Cooperstown. And I agree. And while McGwire may be unwilling to talk about the past, I'm willing to assign and/or steal lame nicknames from it.

My ballot:
Cal "Let 'er" Ripken
Tony "Sometimes you gloose, sometimes you" Gwynn
Goose "goshawk" Gossage (my spellchecker's suggested replacement for Gossage)

Almost
Bert"Be Home" Blyleven*
Alan Trammel "Crowe"
"My Dinner With" Andre Dawson (If Berman didn't come up with this one first, I'm actually proud of it)

*The finest nickname Chris Berman ever gave anyone, bar none. Second place: Oddibe "Young Again" McDowell.

Almost Almost
Jim "Chicken and" Rice
Dale "Guitar" Murphy*
Mark "My Words" McGwire

*Blues Brothers

Worthy of a second look, not deserving of serious consideration
Harold "Conrad" Baines*
Steve "Is Not My Padre" Garvey**
Jack Morris "The Cat"
Lee Smith "Used to take 45 minutes to walk in from the bullpen, and I really hated it. This really isn't a nickname, per se, but it bears mentioning."

*Diff'rent Strokes, which has been getting A LOT of play around here.
** Look it up.

Emphatically: No.
Don "Welcome" Mattingly